7 Urgent Health Tips for Phillies Fans

On the Eve of the World Series

Even though there are some readers of this Substack from far flung locales like Spain, England, and California, most of you are from the Philly area. On the eve of the World Series I’d like to share some quick survival tips for us locals.

[By the way - I think Phillies will win in 7, Wheeler or Harper will be named MVP, and local news stations will take a break from the crime-focused-anti-Philly propaganda they profit from, and instead focus on why this city is so great, unless there are some looters to focus on.]

These 7 tips, like the number of games I think we need to overcome the Astros, will lower blood pressure and reduce palpitations. They should help tame the Philadelphia sports fan beast that might otherwise have you climbing greased lamp posts on Broad Street. Save that for the Italian Market festival.

Yes, this is a thing, a couple blocks from my house. The Grease Pole, or Albero Della Cuccagna in Italian.

But first, what is your best guess?

And now, a few tips for fun:

1) Remember that this is just a game. These players are making lots of money that will console them in the event that they lose. We need to worry more about our own fragile psyches, and the total bill for tickets, jerseys, cheez whiz, and other jawn.

2) Remember that this is not just a game. The fate of the entire universe may hinge on this moment. If the Phillies do not win, entropy will reverse, galaxies will start to contract, and the fabric of space time itself will be rended apart in an excruciating big rip. I will feel like a loser. Not sure this tip helps. I’ll work on it.

3) Mute the commercials, even though they are often the most entertaining part for disinterested little ones. Expect a lot of political ads. Muted commercials facilitate a great time to take deep, measured breaths. Tap into your vagus nerve, which calms the whole body. Try this:

• breathe in slowly to a count of 5

• pause with full lungs for 1-2

• then exhale slowly over a count of 5-7

• repeat at least 5 times

4) Don’t forget to take any blood pressure medications as directed. Cardiac problems definitely spike while people are watching big games and getting over-excited. It’s not worth it.

5) There are medications that can be prescribed for people who cannot control anxiety. If you feel like you need medication, it’s a good sign you might want to turn off the television and read a book instead. You can catch the highlights on YouTube after the game. In critical cases, when a game must be watched by a patient predisposed to panic attacks and adrenaline tsunamis, a medication like propranolol might help.

6) If celebrating victory on Broad Street, don’t climb the street light poles. Especially the greased ones. Side effects may include an unpleasant greasy feeling, musculoskeletal pain, regret once reaching the summit, and jail time.

7) Remember those loved ones with whom you might have spent lazy summer days, with the Phillies and Harry Kalas in the background. Baseball has no clock. There’s no frenetic running up and down while we watch the seconds tick away. If only we all got a guaranteed 9 innings of life. A bittersweet guarantee.

Go Phils!