Lovely essay. I can confirm what you say from my own experience. I walk the streets of my Philadelphia neighborhood regularly and make a point to make eye contact and say hi or make a brief comment to people I meet. Sometimes their faces are transformed into the warmest smiles that stay with me. Definitely a good practice and thanks for sharing the advice.
I hope I run into you on those Philly streets sometime, and I will return the greeting and smile! I'm in Bella Vista, and a walk up and down my street usually involves running into a few neighbors. As you know Philly neighborhoods feel like small towns, and the more people out on the sidewalks the safer it feels. I just read that homicides in our city are at 60 year lows (!). Each one is one too many of course, but the portrayal of our cities by the administration is completely at odds with reality:
One thing that helps these interactions are third places, with home and work being the first and second places. A third place is somewhere people can gather, such as a bar, coffee house, diner, or park for example. A good analysis of this is the book Great Good Place, by Ray Oldenburg.
Hi Ken, and this is SO true, thanks for mentioning it. I'm thinking of intergenerational bars, especially in Ireland, but local coffeehouses around here seem to really stitch neighborhoods together. Even if not much conversation, they are loci of meetups and small talk (and a stimulant!). Have you ever been to McSorley's Old Ale House in NYC? I used to go there in college for a random day, order a light and dark, a plate of cheese+saltines+slice of onion, and engage the barkeep or random folks around tables that "force" you to "be good or be gone" with strangers.
I'm 76 years old and don't have many friends, but I've always naturally had the kinds of interactions you talk about. They make me feel good and often uplifted. I've also often seen the positive effect it has on the other person. With the current emphasis on the importance of social connections for successful aging, it's encouraging to know that these brief interactions "count".
Hi Harlyn! This is a lovely comment and it obviously resonates with other people reading here, thank you. I'm 50 and have let many of my friendships go to the weeds for multiple reasons, but when I do reconnect briefly with old friends it feels wonderful. A few random, spontaneous interactions on a walk or errand can uplift me, too. It counts, for both parties, and there is a multiplier effect that goes beyond, I'm sure of it.
Doc Ryan--thank you for this! My late father (lived to be 93, lived alone and managed his house, finances, etc.) was severely hard of hearing.
Each of us five kids called Dad or visited weekly if not daily, but what was painful to hear was to call at 5 pm and have him say "you're the first soul I've talked to today." I know that sometimes he couldn't hear and perhaps missed a conversation. But the memory of that has caused me to look others, esp. the elderly directly in the eye (unthreateningly!) and smile and say hello. Ageism still reigns in our culture. If they are well enough to get out in the community, they just might live alone like my father did, and you might be the only human contact they get all day.
Miselle, this vignette is so poignant. I'm sure the calls and visits were a major factor in his reaching 93. Your story really touches me. I share your kind of "reverence" for the elderly, and my own grandparents were the original template for that ultimate respect, gratitude, and special kind of relationship we can have with older time travelers sharing our journey for a while. That eye contact and engagement you write of is a kind of glorious momentary spark, especially for the lonely.. and like others wrote above, it goes both ways, really.
Speaking slowly and clearly helps too. Medical personnel sometimes don't do this very well. I recall the sweet little ER doctor twittering at my 95 year old father in law. He had no idea what she was saying to him
My father would get embarrassed by women calling him "sweetie" or "honey" or treating him like he was a child. And of course, for me witnessing it was just horrible! He had to see a nephrologist for erythropoietin shots every few weeks. One time, I pulled the worst culprit aside and firmly chastised her for her attitudes. She wasn't that young--probably mid 50s and I asked her if she'd like a 20 year old to address her the way she addressed my dad! That hit the mark for her.
I took him to the audiologist several times, which was so valuable for me in my own career! I learned there were certain sounds he couldn't hear, so repeating the same words at a higher volume was useless. I was taught to reframe my questions using different words, which often worked just fine. Sometimes, I'd need to "translate" what he was being asked for him.
I also discovered that my dad was partially reading lips! So I'd make sure he was looking AT me when I talked to him.
I love this essay—beautifully written, and it rings so true. One of the joys of apartment living is the plethora of small, chance encounters with neighbors and staff members, a much more diverse group than my small circle of close friends. Over time, one builds up a web of connections, too, with one brief contact building on another. The same holds true for our walkable neighborhood and still extant local, independent shops.
Just yesterday, I saw again—first time in a month, and I always worry when I don’t see her—a check-out person with whom I’ve had several exchanges who is from Venezuela. I raced over to get in her line, and when she saw me, we both grinned ear to ear. Fortunately, the shop wasn’t busy, so she could take the time to tell me a little of her own view and worries, including lining up the cheeses I’d bought to demonstrate different aspects of the current situation (she still has family there, and helps support them). I asked if we could do a selfie—I’ll send you the photo. It was quite something!
And that was only one of several small interactions I’ve already had this morning, one with a Polish woman, one with a young man whose family is from Crete, one with a Jamaica who grew up in London. Each one offered a different, and fascinating, perspective on matters large and small.
BTW, how is it you weren’t yet born in 1973, yet are already so wise? (So saith one who was born in 1949😎.)
Hi Susan! You are so right about apartment living. My Dad found great pleasure in his network of apartment cohabiters, too. He would introduce me to them when I would visit, and I too became "friends" with them! My mother maintains a really special network of friends and neighbors, and I should aspire to the sincerity of her connections. Final example - It makes me think of my grandmother in her 90's in assisted living, enjoying another little blossom of friendship and social life when living alone became too difficult.
I love the scene with your Venezuelan friend, and her use of cheese props to illustrate a story! I'm smiling ear to ear picturing it! Should she "disappear" like thousands of other immigrants contributing to our America, I know you would be devastated. I hope for her.
I think you are a central nexus point for many of the best small talk, micro-interactions in your various communities, and that keeps you strong, vibrant, and happy!
And thank you for the "wise" compliment considering my 1975 entry point! Too kind as always, but it's gratifying like getting carded while buying wine last week ;)
I have experienced the pleasant buzz that comes from a moment of shared contact and humanity with a “rando”, so I very much enjoyed your essay.
But I particularly want to thank you for the brief but very relevant and cogent comment on “shared clinical decision-making.” It sounds so harmless and reasonable, and I have been struggling to put into words for others how this harmless-sounding recommendation can have such large potential consequences. Well said.
Hi Leslie :) Using that term "rando" would elicit some eyerolls from my daughter, from whom I first learned that term, along with 6-7 and other linguistic teen cultural gems!
I'm happy you share a concern about this backdoor, sleight of hand "vaccine-shared-clinical-decision-making-talk-to-your-doctor" means of undermining the whole system. As you know each clinician cannot be an army of one crusading for each and every public health measure. Plus many people come to the discussion with hours of their own research, often down the wrong rabbit holes, and we clinicians have a minute or two to overcome that?!
I picked up a prescription at CVS and told the technician that the iPad was kind of fun and she said “ most people hate it!”— we both laughed and it brightened our day. So good to read this: as we’re admonished to strengthen relationships for our health and longevity, it’s heartening to know that the little interactions “ count “. As always, you help all of us.
A perfect little example from today - humanizing in several ways and humorous at once! I also felt a bit encouraged and inspired as I researched this, as I harbor guilt like many middle aged men about the lack of effort I have been making to retain or build strong friendships. I keep thinking "one of these days soon", but until then validating all the small interactions and connections makes me feel better, too! Thanks for stopping in.
I'll have to make a stop at CVS soon and make a special effort to play with their iPad, sounds like it could be fun ;)
I really enjoyed reading this today! As a retired pediatric nurse, I’ve been obsessing about the changes to the immunization schedule for our kids - I’m glad you addressed it but equally glad that you moved on to such an interesting concept. I just had a lovely - and unexpected - positive social interaction yesterday and it made my day! Now I understand why.
Hi Tish, I really appreciate all the work you must have done with kids over your career, and how often vaccines directly or indirectly were a part of that. I think the feeling I had yesterday, and all the anti vaccine moments this year that came before it, was one of disgust. It's disgusting for any of us who have seen what we've seen, or studied what came before. I'm glad that keeping it simple and then moving on to the planned post was ok. I struggle a little with how often to swing between writing about humanism, primary care, science, and little pep talks in the face of current defeats - but just like family medicine I think I'll keep it a big tent here.
Let's keep holding on to those lovely and unexpected positive social interactions!
Some valuable insights, thank you Ryan. My challenge is that the COVID/flu situation keeps me out of the "hanging out" third spaces, especially now that we're in another Northeast wave. I've turned down two social events this month, as I have no control over how safe people are. Before COVID, I enjoyed going to small theater concerts early enough to sit down with a beer and chat with folks, miss that!
I started gardening this past year, and notice that it brings me in contact with more diverse folks than my usual activities.
Gardeners are pretty much universally great people I think, and if there is a way to do that socially I think it checks off many of the overlapping boxes of good living - the outdoors, fresh air/ventilation, a connection to life and the planet, the wonder of biology, maybe some tasty vegetables, and shared interests and purpose with other gardeners! Covid has really ruined so much for me, too. I used to work late one night of the week, and then head to my favorite (really crowded) ramen bar around 10PM for a bowl and a beer. We are having two couples over for dinner this weekend, despite the Covid/Flu/RSV rates right now... but in general we are settling in to a bit more seasonal social patterns. Even though Covid never goes away, we try to "harvest" more good times and social stuff during lulls.
Very interesting post, thank you! I always wondered how they came up this theory. I wonder if they ever compared the results of the same type studies, on cortisol, et al, between introverts and extroverts. The "getting more exercise" part I'd agree with. The other I'm not convinced about. Some people find interactions with others a daily necessity and others of us find interacting with randos stressful, at the micro-level. Kind of the opposite of the beneficial health benefits proclaimed.
Hi T - you make a good point here. I think the payoff must be different for intro/extroverts, like maybe introverts derive benefits from shorter/less frequent interactions; extroverts may require more interactions but they hit higher measurable benefits overall? Let's get some NIH funding for that ;)
And I agree that seeking to engage random people is probably a net stressful pursuit, but being open to those obvious openings for spontaneous connection when they happen is something to cultivate to whatever degree feels good. Not a one size fits all you are very correct I think.
Great article! I live in a small city which is notorious (in a good way!) for the friendliness of its residents and the small talk that happens with every retail interaction. I joke that I need to be prepared to answer "so what are you up to today?" every time I buy a coffee! But this totally resonates with me. I'm wondering how this plays out with health care workers? I'm a pediatrician and my day is filled with a series of "small talk" interactions, sometimes with new patients and families, often with my own patients that I see regularly to discuss mental health issues. I think I'm happier for those interactions, I hope my patients get something out of them too. But most surveys of doctors show high rates of dissatisfaction with their careers. Maybe the other factors (insurance hassles, RFK jr, etc) outweigh the positives for many?
Hi Andrea :) What a wonderful observation—you've hit on something I've been thinking about too. I suspect the small talk and genuine connection with patients is one of the few things still keeping many physicians afloat, even as the bureaucratic nightmare threatens to drown us. The difference might be that your interactions are still mostly authentic and reciprocal, while the "productivity metrics" and insurance barriers create a constant tension between the human connection we crave and the system that punishes us for spending time on it. Your patients absolutely benefit from those conversations, and I'd bet if we could strip away the administrative burden, physician satisfaction would look very different.
I love this column because it validates how I live. I often tell people that I am very happy living alone because I live in a neighborhood where, any time I walk my dog, I will encounter neighbors and visitors with whom I engage in light, interesting chit chat and life updates. I also regularly engage briefly with people at the local shops and businesses I frequent. I would not want to live in a place that is either so remote that I would miss these interactions or so dense that such interactions are not really welcome. For me (an introvert), life in an apartment building in a city was too overwhelming and so I didn't feel the pleasure of random communications. I suspect we all have a built-in preference for a varying level of social density. I have an extroverted friend who loves attending regular, large social gatherings and so prefers a home that is more isolated. I depend on and enjoy the random neighbor interactions for my connection to the world.
Hey Valerie :) You've said something really important: there's no one-size-fits-all formula for social connection, and knowing yourself well enough to design a life that matches your needs is its own form of wisdom.
Your observation about social density is also spot-on—introverts can actually thrive on these brief, low-stakes interactions precisely because they provide connection without the overwhelm of sustained socializing. I know!
It sounds like you've found that sweet spot where your environment naturally facilitates the kind of engagement that energizes rather than depletes you, which is something many people never figure out.
Just saw this post: today I was leaving the public library and I said hello to a man and his dog. He looked so happy to see me (I do not know him) and we had a small exchange. It definitely got my amygdala going! I go to the same checker each time I go to my local grocery store and we chit chat. These exchanges make my life better.
A lovely post. It is clear to me how much happier I feel when I have these small random interactions. There is also a value in just moving through the world with just yourself and encountering others as just yourself. For me, it feels like an opportunity to be with yourself and remember who you are, while lightly engaging with others who make me feel like a member of an infinity large and diverse world.
I find the link to immunity quite fascinating as well. I have always assumed that my, apparently strong-ish, immunity to disease is largely an inherited trait. I like the idea that simply walking around in the world, interacting with strangers can contribute to my body's ability to fight disease!
I hope that you get a chance to wander around aimlessly in your beloved Philadelphia. ❤️
Gemma! Thank you for this beautifully expressed thought—"moving through the world as just yourself" really captures something essential about why these interactions feel restorative rather than draining. You're right that it's a chance to remember who you are outside of all your roles and obligations, while simultaneously feeling part of something larger.
The immunity connection is fascinating to me, too - and still being worked out, but the idea that social connection literally strengthens our biological defenses makes intuitive sense when we think about humans as fundamentally social creatures.
I do love my Philadelphia wanderings, though sometimes they are smelly and less than idyllic - and your comment makes me want to get out there, but it is a bit too late for tonight!
Ryan: Although this post is quite different than your normal ones, I find your writings as a sociologist incredibly valuable and timely. Out here in Del Mar, California, I have the opportunity to walk on the beach regularly, and I am struck by the number of beach walkers who are glued to their phones rather than taking in the sand, waves and sky. My day is always better when I can greet a fellow walker or runner, see a dog I know and provide it with a treat, and engage in a few words of small talk. Yours is a wonderful post on how our informal social fabric can significantly benefit our psyche. Many thanks for your valuable work.
Thanks Elliot, that means a lot. I appreciate you reading even when I venture outside my usual medical lane! The image of people walking on a beautiful Del Mar beach while staring at their phones is such a perfect metaphor for what we've lost, and I think it speaks to how we've been trained/addicted to treat our devices as more compelling than the world around us. Your daily practice of treating dogs and greeting strangers sounds like exactly the kind of deliberate attention to connection that makes life richer. I'm grateful these reflections resonated with you, and I hope you get out for a good beach walk soon! Too cold here, but there's satisfaction in that bracing air too.
Excellent! My New Years goal now will be to make more small talk.
I think that's achievable! Let's chat sometime about how that's going ;)
Lovely essay. I can confirm what you say from my own experience. I walk the streets of my Philadelphia neighborhood regularly and make a point to make eye contact and say hi or make a brief comment to people I meet. Sometimes their faces are transformed into the warmest smiles that stay with me. Definitely a good practice and thanks for sharing the advice.
I hope I run into you on those Philly streets sometime, and I will return the greeting and smile! I'm in Bella Vista, and a walk up and down my street usually involves running into a few neighbors. As you know Philly neighborhoods feel like small towns, and the more people out on the sidewalks the safer it feels. I just read that homicides in our city are at 60 year lows (!). Each one is one too many of course, but the portrayal of our cities by the administration is completely at odds with reality:
https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/investigations/philly-homicides-dropped-to-lowest-number-in-decades-police-say/4326214/
One thing that helps these interactions are third places, with home and work being the first and second places. A third place is somewhere people can gather, such as a bar, coffee house, diner, or park for example. A good analysis of this is the book Great Good Place, by Ray Oldenburg.
Hi Ken, and this is SO true, thanks for mentioning it. I'm thinking of intergenerational bars, especially in Ireland, but local coffeehouses around here seem to really stitch neighborhoods together. Even if not much conversation, they are loci of meetups and small talk (and a stimulant!). Have you ever been to McSorley's Old Ale House in NYC? I used to go there in college for a random day, order a light and dark, a plate of cheese+saltines+slice of onion, and engage the barkeep or random folks around tables that "force" you to "be good or be gone" with strangers.
I'm 76 years old and don't have many friends, but I've always naturally had the kinds of interactions you talk about. They make me feel good and often uplifted. I've also often seen the positive effect it has on the other person. With the current emphasis on the importance of social connections for successful aging, it's encouraging to know that these brief interactions "count".
Hi Harlyn! This is a lovely comment and it obviously resonates with other people reading here, thank you. I'm 50 and have let many of my friendships go to the weeds for multiple reasons, but when I do reconnect briefly with old friends it feels wonderful. A few random, spontaneous interactions on a walk or errand can uplift me, too. It counts, for both parties, and there is a multiplier effect that goes beyond, I'm sure of it.
Doc Ryan--thank you for this! My late father (lived to be 93, lived alone and managed his house, finances, etc.) was severely hard of hearing.
Each of us five kids called Dad or visited weekly if not daily, but what was painful to hear was to call at 5 pm and have him say "you're the first soul I've talked to today." I know that sometimes he couldn't hear and perhaps missed a conversation. But the memory of that has caused me to look others, esp. the elderly directly in the eye (unthreateningly!) and smile and say hello. Ageism still reigns in our culture. If they are well enough to get out in the community, they just might live alone like my father did, and you might be the only human contact they get all day.
Miselle, this vignette is so poignant. I'm sure the calls and visits were a major factor in his reaching 93. Your story really touches me. I share your kind of "reverence" for the elderly, and my own grandparents were the original template for that ultimate respect, gratitude, and special kind of relationship we can have with older time travelers sharing our journey for a while. That eye contact and engagement you write of is a kind of glorious momentary spark, especially for the lonely.. and like others wrote above, it goes both ways, really.
Speaking slowly and clearly helps too. Medical personnel sometimes don't do this very well. I recall the sweet little ER doctor twittering at my 95 year old father in law. He had no idea what she was saying to him
My father would get embarrassed by women calling him "sweetie" or "honey" or treating him like he was a child. And of course, for me witnessing it was just horrible! He had to see a nephrologist for erythropoietin shots every few weeks. One time, I pulled the worst culprit aside and firmly chastised her for her attitudes. She wasn't that young--probably mid 50s and I asked her if she'd like a 20 year old to address her the way she addressed my dad! That hit the mark for her.
I took him to the audiologist several times, which was so valuable for me in my own career! I learned there were certain sounds he couldn't hear, so repeating the same words at a higher volume was useless. I was taught to reframe my questions using different words, which often worked just fine. Sometimes, I'd need to "translate" what he was being asked for him.
I also discovered that my dad was partially reading lips! So I'd make sure he was looking AT me when I talked to him.
I love this essay—beautifully written, and it rings so true. One of the joys of apartment living is the plethora of small, chance encounters with neighbors and staff members, a much more diverse group than my small circle of close friends. Over time, one builds up a web of connections, too, with one brief contact building on another. The same holds true for our walkable neighborhood and still extant local, independent shops.
Just yesterday, I saw again—first time in a month, and I always worry when I don’t see her—a check-out person with whom I’ve had several exchanges who is from Venezuela. I raced over to get in her line, and when she saw me, we both grinned ear to ear. Fortunately, the shop wasn’t busy, so she could take the time to tell me a little of her own view and worries, including lining up the cheeses I’d bought to demonstrate different aspects of the current situation (she still has family there, and helps support them). I asked if we could do a selfie—I’ll send you the photo. It was quite something!
And that was only one of several small interactions I’ve already had this morning, one with a Polish woman, one with a young man whose family is from Crete, one with a Jamaica who grew up in London. Each one offered a different, and fascinating, perspective on matters large and small.
BTW, how is it you weren’t yet born in 1973, yet are already so wise? (So saith one who was born in 1949😎.)
Hi Susan! You are so right about apartment living. My Dad found great pleasure in his network of apartment cohabiters, too. He would introduce me to them when I would visit, and I too became "friends" with them! My mother maintains a really special network of friends and neighbors, and I should aspire to the sincerity of her connections. Final example - It makes me think of my grandmother in her 90's in assisted living, enjoying another little blossom of friendship and social life when living alone became too difficult.
I love the scene with your Venezuelan friend, and her use of cheese props to illustrate a story! I'm smiling ear to ear picturing it! Should she "disappear" like thousands of other immigrants contributing to our America, I know you would be devastated. I hope for her.
I think you are a central nexus point for many of the best small talk, micro-interactions in your various communities, and that keeps you strong, vibrant, and happy!
And thank you for the "wise" compliment considering my 1975 entry point! Too kind as always, but it's gratifying like getting carded while buying wine last week ;)
I have experienced the pleasant buzz that comes from a moment of shared contact and humanity with a “rando”, so I very much enjoyed your essay.
But I particularly want to thank you for the brief but very relevant and cogent comment on “shared clinical decision-making.” It sounds so harmless and reasonable, and I have been struggling to put into words for others how this harmless-sounding recommendation can have such large potential consequences. Well said.
Hi Leslie :) Using that term "rando" would elicit some eyerolls from my daughter, from whom I first learned that term, along with 6-7 and other linguistic teen cultural gems!
I'm happy you share a concern about this backdoor, sleight of hand "vaccine-shared-clinical-decision-making-talk-to-your-doctor" means of undermining the whole system. As you know each clinician cannot be an army of one crusading for each and every public health measure. Plus many people come to the discussion with hours of their own research, often down the wrong rabbit holes, and we clinicians have a minute or two to overcome that?!
Thank you for stopping by :)
I picked up a prescription at CVS and told the technician that the iPad was kind of fun and she said “ most people hate it!”— we both laughed and it brightened our day. So good to read this: as we’re admonished to strengthen relationships for our health and longevity, it’s heartening to know that the little interactions “ count “. As always, you help all of us.
A perfect little example from today - humanizing in several ways and humorous at once! I also felt a bit encouraged and inspired as I researched this, as I harbor guilt like many middle aged men about the lack of effort I have been making to retain or build strong friendships. I keep thinking "one of these days soon", but until then validating all the small interactions and connections makes me feel better, too! Thanks for stopping in.
I'll have to make a stop at CVS soon and make a special effort to play with their iPad, sounds like it could be fun ;)
I really enjoyed reading this today! As a retired pediatric nurse, I’ve been obsessing about the changes to the immunization schedule for our kids - I’m glad you addressed it but equally glad that you moved on to such an interesting concept. I just had a lovely - and unexpected - positive social interaction yesterday and it made my day! Now I understand why.
Hi Tish, I really appreciate all the work you must have done with kids over your career, and how often vaccines directly or indirectly were a part of that. I think the feeling I had yesterday, and all the anti vaccine moments this year that came before it, was one of disgust. It's disgusting for any of us who have seen what we've seen, or studied what came before. I'm glad that keeping it simple and then moving on to the planned post was ok. I struggle a little with how often to swing between writing about humanism, primary care, science, and little pep talks in the face of current defeats - but just like family medicine I think I'll keep it a big tent here.
Let's keep holding on to those lovely and unexpected positive social interactions!
Some valuable insights, thank you Ryan. My challenge is that the COVID/flu situation keeps me out of the "hanging out" third spaces, especially now that we're in another Northeast wave. I've turned down two social events this month, as I have no control over how safe people are. Before COVID, I enjoyed going to small theater concerts early enough to sit down with a beer and chat with folks, miss that!
I started gardening this past year, and notice that it brings me in contact with more diverse folks than my usual activities.
Gardeners are pretty much universally great people I think, and if there is a way to do that socially I think it checks off many of the overlapping boxes of good living - the outdoors, fresh air/ventilation, a connection to life and the planet, the wonder of biology, maybe some tasty vegetables, and shared interests and purpose with other gardeners! Covid has really ruined so much for me, too. I used to work late one night of the week, and then head to my favorite (really crowded) ramen bar around 10PM for a bowl and a beer. We are having two couples over for dinner this weekend, despite the Covid/Flu/RSV rates right now... but in general we are settling in to a bit more seasonal social patterns. Even though Covid never goes away, we try to "harvest" more good times and social stuff during lulls.
Very interesting post, thank you! I always wondered how they came up this theory. I wonder if they ever compared the results of the same type studies, on cortisol, et al, between introverts and extroverts. The "getting more exercise" part I'd agree with. The other I'm not convinced about. Some people find interactions with others a daily necessity and others of us find interacting with randos stressful, at the micro-level. Kind of the opposite of the beneficial health benefits proclaimed.
Hi T - you make a good point here. I think the payoff must be different for intro/extroverts, like maybe introverts derive benefits from shorter/less frequent interactions; extroverts may require more interactions but they hit higher measurable benefits overall? Let's get some NIH funding for that ;)
And I agree that seeking to engage random people is probably a net stressful pursuit, but being open to those obvious openings for spontaneous connection when they happen is something to cultivate to whatever degree feels good. Not a one size fits all you are very correct I think.
Great article! I live in a small city which is notorious (in a good way!) for the friendliness of its residents and the small talk that happens with every retail interaction. I joke that I need to be prepared to answer "so what are you up to today?" every time I buy a coffee! But this totally resonates with me. I'm wondering how this plays out with health care workers? I'm a pediatrician and my day is filled with a series of "small talk" interactions, sometimes with new patients and families, often with my own patients that I see regularly to discuss mental health issues. I think I'm happier for those interactions, I hope my patients get something out of them too. But most surveys of doctors show high rates of dissatisfaction with their careers. Maybe the other factors (insurance hassles, RFK jr, etc) outweigh the positives for many?
Hi Andrea :) What a wonderful observation—you've hit on something I've been thinking about too. I suspect the small talk and genuine connection with patients is one of the few things still keeping many physicians afloat, even as the bureaucratic nightmare threatens to drown us. The difference might be that your interactions are still mostly authentic and reciprocal, while the "productivity metrics" and insurance barriers create a constant tension between the human connection we crave and the system that punishes us for spending time on it. Your patients absolutely benefit from those conversations, and I'd bet if we could strip away the administrative burden, physician satisfaction would look very different.
I love this column because it validates how I live. I often tell people that I am very happy living alone because I live in a neighborhood where, any time I walk my dog, I will encounter neighbors and visitors with whom I engage in light, interesting chit chat and life updates. I also regularly engage briefly with people at the local shops and businesses I frequent. I would not want to live in a place that is either so remote that I would miss these interactions or so dense that such interactions are not really welcome. For me (an introvert), life in an apartment building in a city was too overwhelming and so I didn't feel the pleasure of random communications. I suspect we all have a built-in preference for a varying level of social density. I have an extroverted friend who loves attending regular, large social gatherings and so prefers a home that is more isolated. I depend on and enjoy the random neighbor interactions for my connection to the world.
Hey Valerie :) You've said something really important: there's no one-size-fits-all formula for social connection, and knowing yourself well enough to design a life that matches your needs is its own form of wisdom.
Your observation about social density is also spot-on—introverts can actually thrive on these brief, low-stakes interactions precisely because they provide connection without the overwhelm of sustained socializing. I know!
It sounds like you've found that sweet spot where your environment naturally facilitates the kind of engagement that energizes rather than depletes you, which is something many people never figure out.
Just saw this post: today I was leaving the public library and I said hello to a man and his dog. He looked so happy to see me (I do not know him) and we had a small exchange. It definitely got my amygdala going! I go to the same checker each time I go to my local grocery store and we chit chat. These exchanges make my life better.
Me too! Love this simple pleasure :)
A lovely post. It is clear to me how much happier I feel when I have these small random interactions. There is also a value in just moving through the world with just yourself and encountering others as just yourself. For me, it feels like an opportunity to be with yourself and remember who you are, while lightly engaging with others who make me feel like a member of an infinity large and diverse world.
I find the link to immunity quite fascinating as well. I have always assumed that my, apparently strong-ish, immunity to disease is largely an inherited trait. I like the idea that simply walking around in the world, interacting with strangers can contribute to my body's ability to fight disease!
I hope that you get a chance to wander around aimlessly in your beloved Philadelphia. ❤️
Gemma! Thank you for this beautifully expressed thought—"moving through the world as just yourself" really captures something essential about why these interactions feel restorative rather than draining. You're right that it's a chance to remember who you are outside of all your roles and obligations, while simultaneously feeling part of something larger.
The immunity connection is fascinating to me, too - and still being worked out, but the idea that social connection literally strengthens our biological defenses makes intuitive sense when we think about humans as fundamentally social creatures.
I do love my Philadelphia wanderings, though sometimes they are smelly and less than idyllic - and your comment makes me want to get out there, but it is a bit too late for tonight!
Ryan: Although this post is quite different than your normal ones, I find your writings as a sociologist incredibly valuable and timely. Out here in Del Mar, California, I have the opportunity to walk on the beach regularly, and I am struck by the number of beach walkers who are glued to their phones rather than taking in the sand, waves and sky. My day is always better when I can greet a fellow walker or runner, see a dog I know and provide it with a treat, and engage in a few words of small talk. Yours is a wonderful post on how our informal social fabric can significantly benefit our psyche. Many thanks for your valuable work.
Thanks Elliot, that means a lot. I appreciate you reading even when I venture outside my usual medical lane! The image of people walking on a beautiful Del Mar beach while staring at their phones is such a perfect metaphor for what we've lost, and I think it speaks to how we've been trained/addicted to treat our devices as more compelling than the world around us. Your daily practice of treating dogs and greeting strangers sounds like exactly the kind of deliberate attention to connection that makes life richer. I'm grateful these reflections resonated with you, and I hope you get out for a good beach walk soon! Too cold here, but there's satisfaction in that bracing air too.